I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
