so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
