Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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