Someone shit on the floor
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
