Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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