the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
