i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
