My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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