WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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