just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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