Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
