Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
