I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
