I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There's even glitter on my cock...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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