Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
