turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
