took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
