Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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