i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
