you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
