I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
