this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
be right there i have to get my cape
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
