Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize