my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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