Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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