mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
