I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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