i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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