At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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