my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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