So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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