My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize