I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
