so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
