i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
try to milk me bitch
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
