happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
