I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
