I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
