I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
