how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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