My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
