I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
