I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
