awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
