if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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