Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Mom said you looked used
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
