The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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