This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
