fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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