Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
