Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize