I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
