If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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