Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
