OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
