I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
