Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
